As I sit there in the car waiting for her, I know deep inside that she won’t
be back for awhile. It’s coming up on my third hour alone, well alone as
you can be with crooks and criminals walking by every two seconds. They stare
at me with their deep lonely eyes as to say to you that you know what she is
really doing in there, and to go and stop her, I try to suppress the image of
her gambling, and the thought of her flushing all my father's hard earned
money down the drain makes me sick to my stomach, but I guess I can't blame
her for being depressed after his passing. The words that flow through my
mind are 'choice not chance'. I say these words over in my mind again and
again hoping that I don’t turn out like her. I know that it’s a horrible
thing to even think but I can’t help how I feel. It’s my choice in the
end to stay out of the pub, because whenever I’m there all I want to do is
pull her off the machine, but I never succeed as she’s glued to her chair.
More people pass me staring, I burrow my head in a book as an attempt to hide
my enormous shame and disappointment, I have tried this tactic many times
before but I have realised that it never really works. I hate myself for
thinking this poorly of my mother as I know it is just a stage she is going
through, well that’s my hope. But for one thing that I am certain of is
that if I ever developed a gambling addiction like she has, she would stay
strong for me and be a wall for me to lean against when I need it, so I guess
I should be supportive as well but it’s so hard to support someone when
all they have been doing is thinking of themselves.

The night only seems to grow longer and my hopes of her walking away
have shrunk drastically. By now I have been in the car for at least four
hours and my thoughts have multiplied into millions of cells each one
carrying anger, worries and a small part of mystery. I shouldn’t be afraid
to see what I know is happening, but I can't help it. All I want to know is
that she is safe, she’s whānau and I love her, but no matter how much I
care for her, the pokies have got their hook stuck in her so deep, this
can’t be good for her health. I feel like it’s taking over our lives. It was once
an occasional thing, every week or so she would put five dollars max
into a machine and she would always be able to walk away no matter what has happened.
Now we are down every night putting fifty or more in. She always
says it the last time, I always seem to believe her. Now I’m paying all the rent,
shopping for kai and supporting my younger brother all at once, it’s
about 10 o’clock at night by now. I see the door of the pub fling open, it is my mother.
I thought she was coming back to the car to leave but all she
was doing was getting more money. She reached over the seat for the box
labeled “Lily’s college fund”. When we had left I had wondered why she
had grabbed my box, now I know. Just as her hand grabbed it I grabbed her by the arm.
She’s asking me why I had grabbed her , “that’s my fund and
you're not tipping it down the tube as well” I said. All of a sudden her eyes
widen as if she’s going to break down in tears “you have a problem mum”.
This is the first time I had ever really told her this, “Hunny I’m sorry
for what I’ve been doing, I’ll get help I promise”. “Do you really
promise, I need to be sure” I say. “Yes, I’ll pay for my beers and then
we’ll get a taxi home”. “Fine” I say. I reach into my wallet and give
her thirty five dollars. “That should cover it” and she walks back into the
pub and I feel like I may have got through to her, I reach forward and turn on the radio.
I’m feeling so at peace right now.

As I sit listening to the radio, I have realised that twenty minutes
have passed, I check the time again. I can’t believe what I’m seeing.
I finally get out of the car and walk towards the pub. I open the door and to
no surprise of mine she’s right there, in the back room. I walk slowly up
to her filled with rage, but she’s not moving, she’s frozen. I walk
cautiously up to her, and then I see it. In her hand is the thirty five
dollars “Mum are, are you ok?” I say. “ I can’t do it, I just can’t,
I want to put the money in but my mind wont let me” she says in a scared
voice, I can feel a smile spreading across my face. Mum turns and stares at me.
“You had the chance to put it in there, but you didn’t and I
couldn’t be more proud” I say. I slowly stand her up and walk her up to
the bar and pay for the beer. Step by step we make our way back to the car.
There is a long ride home ahead of us and the first thing I say to her is
“let's choose to end harmful gambling”. “For us" she says. Me and mum
both smile at each other as we know with time and hard work we can turn back
into a normal family.

Since then mum has joined a community trust group, which has been
sponsored by all different businesses. Their logo has the two lines most
important to us “choice not chance” and “let's choose to end harmful
gambling”.